Before I had a baby, I knew nothing about babies. Seriously, near to zilch. I’d never changed a nappy, which always amuses people because I have a five-year old nephew so I guess I should have done by now?! Well, I didn’t know that and loads more as it goes. There really isn’t much mystery to the newborn baby, but some of the things I’ve discovered are both weird and wonderful.
- They can wear things other than sleepsuits. Choosing an outfit for your baby is so hard at the beginning. Can they have bare legs? Should they have several layers? Are they too hot or cold?! And what the actual fuck are you supposed to do with those weird leggings???
- Breastfeeding will get better. But it IS hard…..and you definitely don’t need to worry about pumping just yet. Just use formula if you wanna go out — the world won’t end.
- They don’t need toys. Buggy toys, cuddly toys, activity toys….they honestly don’t need anything. Anaïs happily played with a muslin on my yoga mat some days.
- You will be asked how your baby sleeps so much that you’ll presume you’re doing something wrong. You’re not. Babies sleep like babies aka no pattern and no need to stress about it.
- Getting out and about is pretty easy. As long as you don’t mind the fact everyone will hate you and your pram. Also, what is the difference between pram and buggy?
- You’ll learn a whole new language. Let down, percentile, leap….. oh my.
- People will LOVE helpfully ‘warning’ you of the terrible next stage in your baby’s life. Particularly if you aren’t currently complaining about them. Examples of this include but aren’t limited to: ‘wait until the 4-month sleep regression’, ‘the next set of jabs are WAY worse’ and the classic: ‘wait until the terrible two’s!’ I suggest you complain about them more.
- When your baby smiles for the first time (even if it is just a poo smile) your heart will melt. See also: When your baby does a concentrating face while sticking out her tongue and trying to grab a toy with her precious little hands, your heart will melt.
- You won’t need as much sleep but equally, will understand why they use sleep deprivation as a legitimate torture method.
- You’ll use the excuse ‘baby-brain’ to get out of anything. And it’ll work.
- Nappies don’t go up based on the age of your baby, but the weight……and have the most awesome coloured line which changes colour when it gets wet. This all changes when you get to number 3, and they not only don’t have this anymore they turn into party nappies with polka-dots and crazy patterns all over. It’s INEXPLICABLE.
Sorry about the bonus eleventh point…..but those nappies drive me insane 😉
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Also published on Medium.